Running has broken my heart more times than I can recall.
The greatest heartache I have ever endured in my life has come from the countless seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years I have dedicated to a craft that typically takes more than it gives. From the early wake-up calls and the late night sessions, and the miles racked up on shoes for preparation that are enough to compete with the miles traveled on the car gauge to races, to each tear that falls to match the mental strength that rises; this unmatched turmoil that would cause any sane individual to turn the other way in fear only draws me in more with lingering lust in my eyes that accentuates the true psychosis hypnosis it has me trapped in.
It’s an all-consuming love that is forever on my mind, from the waking of the sun to the arrival of the moon. I am constantly at an internal battle of how to strengthen the bond I have with it and when to properly allocate my time towards it so as to continuously feed the beast. However, as much as it draws on my draining power, it somehow replaces it with an entity that energizes me even greater beyond my aching shell; a source that drives me forward with a capacity of heart and will that I never knew could learn to carry me when all else gave out.
More days than not I will find myself trudging through a slew of various workouts and tempos geared towards executing a specific goal, moreover on the side of achieving a faster pace. My eyes will flutter from both mental and physical exhaustion, my lungs will burn from the never-ending battle to adjust to the thermometer reading, my esophagus will scream for any drop of hydration to quench the thirst that arises as quickly as my electrolytes deteriorate, my body will ache from the unremitting battle against the enemy that gravity is in trying to keep me rooted to the earth beneath my feet… Yet I still persist.
As emphasized, the amount of work that is put into this rapport is usually never reciprocated, so one would only assume that the best and easiest alternative would be to quit trying and move on from this one-sided relationship. But the magnetic force that it latches onto you with is akin to that of the robust and pertinent chokehold that the North and South poles have: They could not be further apart from one another on this planet, yet they manage to hold everything together that lies within its fields. And try as you might to weaken this bond with distance, it only allows it to disperse its coverage even further as it will continuously search for its other half until reunited once again. Polar opposites attract after all (that’s how the saying goes, right?)
So what is it that is so enchanting about a voluntary lifestyle that causes involuntary torment? It encapsulates an outlet for all the malice and distress that laces itself through daily routine which falls outside of your control. Serving as a channel for all the unwanted and unnecessary harboring of internalized nuisances, it allows you to put a silence to any of the negative thoughts that scream to you at the top of its lungs that you are incapable of finishing this feat. You may have doubts develop along the course of your… well, course… but with each stride taken forward, you find a hush begins to outweigh an attempted overthrow through verbal abuse. Your internal dialogue begins to grow kinder, encouraging this interior sunshine to radiate to your sullen exterior of unwilling joints. When the physical begins to expend from worn-out doubt, the mental is kicked into high gear as it arises from the ashes of the back burner to overtake every fibre of your being that begs you to stop. By any means possible, it will do whatever it takes to carry you through to the end of the universe… or at least to the end of the run when another wave of adrenaline steps in at the sight of the finish.
It may not always deliver an evident physical change, but these mental alterations leave an everlasting impact as clear as day. The greatest testament of all to this hard-work put into this torture is when even those around you are sure enough in your abilities to instill borrowed belief in yourself. At the end of the day, when the going gets tough, you just need to up the cadence and keep going.
Running is the sport that gives you a newfound life while depleting you of your old habitual fears. It builds up your strength of positive outlook while crushing the weakest parts of your mentality. It creates lifelong bonds with those who were once strangers while bringing an end to the voice at the back of your head that used to send screams of doubts to your inner being. Running is the core of living in its aftereffects, all the while making you feel like you’re dying during the process. There is no doubting the insanity of the sweet bliss of fun it can bring from the pain it causes, but the addiction you’re left with to the love of this persistent disdain is one craving you’ll seek out evermore.
It’s a life of infinite heartache worth fighting for.
<3 Tay